The twins walked into my office like a tank coming through Europe. She meant business, barking at me nonstop, as if she’d already hired my detective services. I kept trying to interject, but he kept waving around his pistol like it was loaded full of fixes.

They wouldn’t give me their real names, but told me their code names were SP2 CU4 and SP1 CU11. My rusty typewriter could barely keep up with their demands:

• Always On secondary replica goes into a disconnected state
• Assert memory dump on a mirrored server
• AFTER DELETE triggers occur in the wrong order (but listen, Jimmy, any order is the wrong order when it comes to triggers)
• On AG failover, the new secondary stops accepting log records until the instance is restarted
• Changing a data type and making 4,000 updates causes database corruption
• CHECKDB fails even when pages have been successfully repaired

I’ll never forget that night. I remember it like it was yesterday. Actually, it was. You should do what they say, buster.